TF2 The Animated Series: Ep 2

EXT. BLU BASE FIELD - DAY
A shoddy track has been laid out in the dirt.  Scout runs, passing childish obstacles with ease.  He now has a backpack for keeping the bat in, and manages to move just as easily with it as he might without.

When he passes the finish mark, Soldier holds up a stopwatch.

SOLDIER
Not bad.

SCOUT
You kiddin'?  That's gotta be a world record!

Soldier folds his arms and imitates a wall, looking away. Freeze-frame, monochrome.  SOLDIER caption and halfborder swing in.  Hold for a beat, and then swing caption and halfborder back out, restore colour, and resume motion.

SOLDIER
There is no such thing as a record for running fast.

SCOUT
Is so.  I'm proof.

He hits his own chest, grinning like a demon.  Freeze-frame, monochrome, swing in SCOUT caption and halfborder.  Hold for a beat, and then swing caption and halfborder back out, restore colour, and resume motion.

SCOUT
Livin' legend, right here.

SOLDIER
(first looking him up and down)
I do not believe there is anything legendary about your girly sunken chest.
There is a brief pause, during which Scout stares down Soldier's helmet.

SCOUT
First off, girls don't have sunken chests, dingus.

SOLDIER
And how would you know?

Scout raises his hand as though to take a violent action, then just shakes it and drops his arm back to his side.

The camper van pulls onto the field, then comes to a stop.  Sniper hops out and strides over, holding a paper sack in one hand.

SNIPER
Looks like you two are fast friends.

SCOUT
I'm just waitin' 'til he goes to sleep so I can beat the tar outta him.

SOLDIER
You wouldn't stand a chance against me even if I were dead.

SCOUT
I'll give it a shot.

SNIPER
Cut the lovefest, both of you.  It's time the rookie met the last member of the team.

SCOUT
Rookie?  I thought I was the Scout.

SNIPER
And I'm the Sniper.

Freeze-frame, monochrome, swing in SNIPER caption and halfborder.  Hold for a beat, and then swing caption and halfborder back out, restore colour, and resume motion.

SNIPER
Glad to see you're keeping up.  Shall we?

INT. HALLWAY

All three men walk down the dim, narrow hallway, Sniper sauntering in the lead.  Behind him, Scout is visibly irritated by the pace.

SCOUT
Hey, I've been here three days, right?  How come I ain't even seen this guy yet?

SOLDIER
He was busy.  And he doesn't like idiots.

SCOUT
Bet he hates you.

SNIPER
Au contraire.  Our Soldier and Engineer get on like a match in a can of petrol.
He opens the door and gestures for the others to enter the room, still holding the paper sack.

INT. ENGINEER'S WORKSHOP - ESTABLISHING

Several schematics are pasted on the wall in a haphazard fashion.  Blueprints, spare parts, and half-finished widgets litter the long tables, of which there are three.

Engineer is seen from behind, working with a welding torch, his broad shoulders hiding whatever he is working on.

Sniper knocks on the wall.  The welding torch shuts off, and Engineer turns around, giving a brief glimpse of a teleporter.

ENGINEER
So this is the new kid?  He looks barely outta diapers.

SOLDIER
You might want to step back, Engie.  He looks like he's gonna spit up on you.

Scout glowers at them both.

SCOUT
Awright, that's it.  One more baby joke, and I'm-a start battin' in heads.

Chuckling, Engineer tips his hat.

ENGINEER
Fair 'nough.  As you might've heard, I'm the Engineer in this li'l department o' Builders League United.

Freeze-frame, monochrome, swing in ENGINEER caption and halfborder.  Hold for a beat, and then swing caption and halfborder back out, restore colour, and resume motion.

ENGINEER
I hear you run faster'n a greased-up rabbit with its tail on fire.

Momentary blank stare from Scout.

SCOUT
Heh, yeah.  That's me.  Faster than the uh, greasy fire-rabbit.

SNIPER
And so far, he isn't a total waste of time.

SOLDIER
I am still not convinced.  He looks too shifty to be useful.  Probably cries without his mommy too.

SCOUT
(reaching for bat)
Anybody see me?  Standin' right freakin' here?

Soldier crosses his arms over his chest.

SOLDIER
Yeah, yeah.  Now that we're a happy little family--

A snort from Scout interrupts him, but he immediately resumes.

SOLDIER
All that's left is to brief you on the enemy.

INT. RED BASE - DAY

A refrigerator door opens in a dim room, slightly obscuring the man opening it, as well as flooding the wall behind him with light.

SOLDIER (V.O.)
Their leader, a so-called Medic, is a vicious, no-good for'ner.

The refrigerator door is firmly closed.  Close-up on Medic's face, using the poor light to give him a menacing appearance.  Available light glints off of his glasses.

Switch to a shot of his hand gripping what appears to be a scalpel.

SOLDIER (V.O.)
We are all just science projects to this sick--

RECORD SCRATCH, jerk image to a halt.  Video noise mars the still.

SCOUT (V.O.)
Wait, what kinda science project?  Like the one with a cardboard volcano?  'Cause I've done that one.
(chuckles)
It's awesome.

SMACK.

SOLDIER (V.O.)
The kind of science project that turns you into a bloody screaming mess.

Movement and background sounds resume.

The scalpel gleams as it is lowered towards a vague object.  Soldier imitates creepy music in his voiceover, then cuts himself off as the light is switched on.

With the lights on, Medic can be seen standing in a modest kitchenette, about to spread jam over a slice of bread.

SNIPER (V.O.)
To back up the brains, there's the muscle.  The aptly named Heavy.

Heavy walks away from the light switch and sits down at the table.  He taps his big fingers on the table, rattling it a bit.  During Sniper's voiceover, Heavy knits his brow and scratches his forehead, looking around as though confused.

SNIPER (V.O.)
All our intel suggests that he's Russian, but having seen him on the battlefield, I suspect he's half-dinosaur.

SCOUT (V.O.)
(derisive snort)
Is he green or somethin'?

SNIPER (V.O.)
He's big as a house and strong as an ox, but there's no doubt that the poor bugger's got a brain like a bean in a salad bowl.

Heavy looks down.  His expression lights up, and he pulls up a dog-eared book from off-screen.  Focus on book to show title, История Пугачева.

SCOUT (V.O.)
Okay, so sicko brains, dumb as dirt muscle.  That ain't so bad.

SOLDIER (V.O.)
(with eerie echo)
They also have sheer insanity.

A cupboard door opens to reveal the Pyro's mask, seemingly being worn.

SCOUT (V.O.)
Big deal.  We've got that too.

Pyro reaches into the cupboard door and pulls out a box of cereal.  He peruses it from different angles while the voiceovers go on.  Behind him, Medic has finished making his lunch and leans on a counter, eating, while Heavy continues to read.

ENGINEER (V.O.)
Oh, Soldier might be able to snap your neck with one hand--

SOLDIER (V.O.)
(creepy laughter)
I would do it, too.

ENGINEER (V.O.)
But this Pyro character can light you up.

SCOUT (V.O.)
...Tail on fire?

ENGINEER (V.O.)
In a literal sense.  But the one you have to look out for is their Demoman.

Pyro leaves the kitchenette, clutching the cereal box.  As he exits, Demoman walks in.  He is obviously hungover, holding a bottle by the neck.

SCOUT (V.O.)
Why?  Can he blow up crap with his mind or somethin'?

Demoman sits at the table and sets the bottle down.  He glares at it, as though intending to explode it pyrokinetically.

Then he belches.

ENGINEER (V.O.)
More like with an arsenal that'd make a warlord weep for joy t' look upon.  But it's close enough.

About to take a drink, Demoman pauses and looks up.

DEMOMAN
Someone's talkin' aboot me.  Ah c'n smell it.

Medic raises an eyebrow, then places a finger to his temple and shakes his head.

MEDIC
As astounding as it is to hear that your olfactory sense has not decayed entirely, we have a job to do.  Where is Pyro?

CRUNCHING can be heard from the next room.

HEAVY
Take wild guess.

DEMOMAN
Relax.  Hit niver hurts ti wait a wee bit longer.  We've time.

HEAVY
More time after.  Dead enemies mean for vacation.

MEDIC
Indeed.

Off-screen CRUNCHING continues.

FADE TO ED