Cayn's face contorted, like that of a kid who'd eaten a lemon. At first I was afraid it meant he was 100% on the up and up, but then I brushed the tip of his nose with my lips and realized that he was just trying to keep his nose from wriggling. He had never mentioned it to me himself, but I remembered Aud once saying something about his nose and rabbits. I grinned and reached up to sweep his hair gently out of his eyes. "You look nervous, Oie," I said, infusing the pet name with all of the private intimacy I had wanted to show him for so long.
" His throat wobbled as he gulped. If he hadn't been so skinny, I might have sunk a bit as he breathed in enough air to fill several balloons and held it.
Sweat sprang up under my fingers as I stroked his cheek. Just to unnerve him, I licked a spot of skin behind his ear. The resulting shudder went all the way to his hips, which sent the shudder up through me. I gripped his shoulder and waited for the feeling to pass a bit before leaning up to nibble his earlobe. This time he let out a strangled, "Squik-aww!" That twisted itself up into a pitch only dogs could hear.
"I guess you like that
" I whispered, letting go of his shoulder to hike his shirt up to a level just above his stomach. Every time my lips touched his ear, he shifted under me, apparently desperate to create distance between us.
While simultaneously leaning into me. I had no idea how he was doing it, but he was.
Then he tried to push me up. "Stop, we can't
!' I did not imagine the tingle of excitement quivering through his voice. His hips were quivering too.
"Sure we can," I said smoothly, just letting my weight rest on his hand. "You said you needed
attention," I added. "And that it didn't matter who you got it from."
"I meantguhaaa!" His eyes crossed, and he swallowed hard. "Move your hand
!" Then he threw his head back against the couch and ground out a wavering moan through clenched teeth. "S-ssstop moving
"Make up your mind." He'd have to give in at some point, it was obvious he wanted to, physically at least. I leaned a bit to the side and tapped the zipper of his jeans, drawing out another squeak. "I'm just trying to help you out."
" he grunted. "Nnnot
y'making fun of me!"
I nearly smacked him. Instead, I reached up and held his chin in one hand. "Do I look like I'm making fun?" Then, still holding his chin firmly, I leaned in and kissed him, carefully. I wasn't sure if he knew, but it was my first. And as much as it could be perfect, it was. For a handful of seconds, he relaxed, even reached up to hold the back of my head and rub my back. He was the one who pressed further, slipping his tongue in to mingle with mine. The careful tenderness I would expect from him was as intoxicating as the taste of cupcakes and paper. I needed to breathe, but I didn't dare. I'd wanted this for so long
The hand on my back glided down to parts previously unexplored by anyone, and I broke the kiss with a squeak of my own.
For a moment, I thought everything was okay. Cayn's mouth was still slightly open, curved into an incredulous smile, lips a bit darker than before. A delicate blush had replaced the frightened blotchy redness, and his hands rested so
possessively on me. It felt right, they belonged there. In that moment, I was his and nobody was arguing the point.
Then the smile vanished and he looked like I'd pantsed him at a tri-country cheer-leader convention in the middle of the afternoon. "Gnargh
!" He whipped his hand off of my rear and tried to sit up without compensating for the fact that I was sprawled on top of him. Oddly enough, the next thing he said was, "I'm so sorry
I repressed a sudden very strong urge to bawl, and patted his cheek, which had begun to turn purple. "I wish you wouldn't be. I'm not
well, not about kissing you." For a second, I considered telling him just how long I had wanted it to happen, to tell him any number of the myriad things about him that had that wonderful yet gut-wrenching effect on me. But he was so bad with compliments, it might only make it worse.
He tried to sit up again. This time I helped by getting to my feet and paying attention to the fact that he'd all but removed my robe. Heh. One kiss and he'd nearly had me half-dressed. I really was wound up, wasn't I? He reached into his hair and gripped it as though he wanted to tear it out, apparently unaware that his shirt was still pushed up to expose his skinny torso. "That should haveit was your first kiss."
Oh. He did know, then. I blushed and pulled my robe tight about myself. "Yes." Then I did something very stupid. I grinned and did a little swaying, turning dance. "Happy birthday to me."
His face fell so that I almost wondered if it needed a shovel to get through the floor. "I ruined it."
"You're the reason it was perfect!" I snapped, sucking all the potential romance out of the sentiment. "Honest," I added, despairing over that stupid shaking head of his. "Everything you did was
amazing. And now this"
"It's all a mistake!" he half-shrieked. "I don't want to mess with you, you're my friend!"
The fluid in my mouth froze. I didnt' know whether I should keep arguing with him or just give up and go to bed. Would either be fair to him? "L-look," I said timidly, backing away a little, "it's a lot to process, I know. When I realized I was attracted to you, I was scared as hell! But I"
"I'm not gay!!" he shouted, so hard his whole body shook.
The strength of it sent me backing hurriedly away in the direction of my room. I should have known he'd act like thisI had known he would. The only reason he'd been okay when I'd confessed to just being gay was that he thought I was safely attached and uninterested. "I see," I said, barely over a whisper. Feeling myself crumbling, I fell into my accent and genetic politeness. "So sorry to have disturbed you. Please take the couch, it's too late for you to go home." I gestured to the sheets and pillow I'd left on the armchair earlier, and then retreated into my bedroom.
With the door shut, I was surrounded by my room's customary nighttime darkness. I flicked the lamp on and reached into drawer until I found a phone card and a sheet of crisp paper with Christian's contact information.
It seemed to take forever to dial all of the numbers, and then even longer to wait for the ringing tone to end, but I finally heard Christian say, "Hello?"
"I shouldn't have been so short with you before."
He said something to someone else on his end about being quiet, then, "It's alright. That wasn't the kind of thing Iit was something of a bomb."
"I'm still sorry."
"Really, don't worry about it. I'll just tell you in person when I get home."
I sat on the edge of my bed and wished I could sink and sink and disappear. "I wish you wouldn't."
There was a very long silence; I almost thought he'd hung up. "What?"
"Christian, you're my friend, and I want you to be happy, but I can't hurt you like that." I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Our time got away from us." Then, because I was still wobbly, I said, "There's
the pointless hope of somebody else. It wouldn't be fair."
He answered me in French. "I had a feeling
I'd hoped to head it off, but it seems I was too late. For your blessed sake, I hope this someone else is not pointless aspiration." Then he switched to English. "And for his bloody sake, he'd better not hurt you. If he does, I'll beat him to death with a sofa."
I had to laugh, which made me feel a little steadier. "You can't even lift a chair."
"So what? I'll push it into him."